Lamb Chops and my Conscience.

I feel like a horrible person, as well as a bad dog mummy.

As I mixed the dogs dinners, I added some hamburgers, mince meat and a succulent lamb chop each - and pondered taking out the bones. I was a vegetarian for 13 years, and am still absolutely repulsed by raw meat. I even attempted hacking the bone out, and got as far as putting on rubber gloves and brandishing a large fork and a paring knife to remove them. But as the blood squirted and I smelled the nastiness, it had an ill effect on my gag reflex, and I decided the bones were staying. Since then, Phoenix has been more than a little ill - I was up til 4am soothing him, letting him out and trying to see if he could go potty, as he was whingeing so much. Then Sahara started having difficulty going to the bathroom. So my night was spent with Phoenix stretched out whimpering on my left, and Sahara snuggled into a tight little pussy cat like ball on my right, and me stroking their belly's and trying not to breathe too loudly so they could get a little sleep. I feel so, so guilty - and of course in the middle of the night I tend to get irrational thoughts, like if they died because I was too squirmish to feed them properly, and how I could live with that on my conscience.

Phoenix is a little better this morning, but Sahara has been sitting and glaring at me. I'm having such massive financial difficulties and it upsets me so much I'm worried about taking them to the vet, as it will mean we will be evicted and end up in court if we can't pay rent by Thursday. Last time Phoenix had an impaction - he and Sahara ate their way through a couch, fabric, stuffing, springs, wood frame and all - and it was nearly $700 to be told he had some feathers in his belly, and time would tell if he passed them or not.

When I get so irrational, I completely forget how much I do for them as it is. I'm sure not many dogs get fresh cuts of meat along with their raw eggs, sardines and fish oil tablets for shiny coats. If they're unwell, they're in bed with me, usually under the covers with my pillow as theirs, as I stroke their belly until they fall asleep, and making them mashed pumpkin and rice in the morning. They get sugar free porridge on Winter's mornings to keep them warm, and both are strapped into their waterproof coats if it's raining out. I could go on. And on.

Yep, I take it too far - but they're my kiddies, and the fact I have no little clock ticking away for real children makes me think they deserve all the love they get.